Sunday, December 10, 2006

Reason For Friendship

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Caption: Derek's eating my hair. Don't ask why.

This is quite possibly the reason why Derek and I are such good friends. Enjoy.


Sometimes Love Just Isn't Enough

[NOTE] I stole this from my myspace blog because you can't read my myspace blog unless you're on my friends' list. So there.

December 6, 2006 8:06 pm

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (surprise surprise) and it really just dawned on me, but more on that later. Right now, I'm gonna take you back to a few hours earlier on how I (with the help of a friend) came up with the notion that sometimes love isn't enough.

After my lab exam, I ran into one of the guys in my lab (for the sake of anonymity, we'll just call him Mr. X) outside looking for a place to check his email. Since he had a laptop with wireless built in, I suggested we go to the library.

Now, I don't really talk to Mr. X unless it bashing Ben and his booby-staring, but after today, he's just a really cool guy to talk to. Anyways, as soon as we got our wireless set up, we began talking about relationships. Okay, so I told him that Ben and I could never date because Ben would be a very bad boyfriend (he's a bad friend PERIOD) and Mr. X mentioned that he's on his third marriage and he's under 40!! Talk about bad relationships, but I really hope this one works out for him.

Then he asked about my relationships and if I had any bad ones. I just told him I don't have bad relationships; just ones I learn from. Before I could say anything else, wireless went out and I went to lunch.

A couple of hours later, I get home early and begin talking to a friend online. I got kinda depressed not because it's finals, but I've had a string of relationships that either (A) ended crappy which kinda makes me want to stay single for a while or (B) it's because I just stopped caring.

Which she came to the conclusion that sometimes love isn't enough to keep two people together, no matter what Captain and Tenille says. It really holds true. I mean, Mr. X is on his third marriage and despite going through hell and back, love didn't really matter but the kids and sex did.

As for me, one morning I woked up and I didn't think of Brett or the fact he's slowly dying. I just laid there, emotionless, staring up at the ceiling, not feeling anything for once in my life. I then realized that despite that I love him, I can't be with him. [UPDATE] I come to find out his cell phone number isn't working. Oh well....

Same goes for J. I'll always love and care for him, but sometimes you just need to be apart and then come back as friends. Right now, we have a great friendship and we're closer together than when we were actually together. And I'm really glad he's in my life right now because I need more people like him, Sebastian, Derek, Tiffany, Kaitlin, Jenn and many others.

Am I ruling out love? No and probably never will. Love is a huge part of a relationship, I know, but there's gotta be something else, you know?

Maybe I should just lay low for a while and only hang out with the people who care for me and make my life a little better and make me happy. For so long, I've been putting other people first, trying to make them happy and it has worked, but at what price? I'm stressing over other people who never cared for me that I've become really unhappy and really, who cares about me anyway?

I told Sebastian I want to be emotionless for a little while, just to see how the other side feels like. Honey, just this once, can I cry? I swear, after I finish writing this, I'll be emotionless.

Anyway... I just wanted to say that. You can bitch at me if you want. I don't care.

I'm going now.

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Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Let Go

Current Listening: Baby Come Back To Me by Vanessa Hudgens
Current Mood: Quiet

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and 75% percent of that is due to upcoming finals which make me nervous and excited at the same time.

The remaining 25% just has me... well, I think I'm finally moving on.

It all started about a month ago. At a last ditch effort to try to get in touch with Brett (before this, I haven't heard from my *supposed* boyfriend in quite a while), I swore I would never call him again if he didn't answer this one phone call.

Weird thing, he did answer. My heart practically stopped.

He tried to explain the lack of communication. Although he did love me, he would rather have me be mad at him and move on with my life than stick around when he only has a few months to live. You see, he was diagnosed with colon cancer a few months ago and originally, it was only supposed to be a few months of chemo, but now it's terminal.

The thing was... I didn't want to let go... just not now. I wanted to stay because... well, that's what a loving, caring girlfriend does. Most people said that even though he wanted me to move on, I should stay because I did love him that much to want to.

Call after call, text after text, he refuses to answer, but I refused to stop caring.

Until this morning. I don't know what happened, but I just woke up and I just didn't care anymore.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I threw out/deleted everything that reminded me of him and... NOTHING.

No crying. No screaming. NO-FUCKING-THING!!!

Okay, I didn't delete EVERYTHING. I'm quite fond of the Chicklet Show podcast and Dr. G's voice sounds like Brett.

So, yeah. I don't care anymore. Sure, he's gonna die soon, but I'm only fulfilling his last request of me and there's no turning back.

Here's some random pics because I really don't want to study for my lab exam.

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Me and Derek. I don't know... this is kinda sexy. And look, you can see my cleavage. LOL.

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I don't know about you, but this is kinda hot. Kinda like how straight guys are facinated by girls kissing and whatnot... except I'm not at all interested in the "whatnot" between these guys. But the kissing's hot.

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Me and Ellie when she was here. I think we were drunk and I totally miss her. Honey, you need to come back so we can have more jagerbombs.

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Sebastian and I during Gay Pride weekend. I hate Sebastian. He's hotter than me. LOL.

That's it, kids. Until next time... Ciao!!!


Monday, December 04, 2006

I've Become What I Hate The Most

[EDITOR'S NOTE]: Not safe for little eyes or someone who is easily offended. You've been warned.

Okay... so, there's this guy I've known for about year and we talk and such. Personality-wise, he's everything I've dreamed of: a nice, sweet, funny guy who is intelligent enough to have my attention for more than 2 minutes (and you all know I'm pretty much A.D.D. when it comes to most people).

The thing is... he's not that good looking. Okay, he's not too unfortunate looking, but it's hard to talk to someone when you're looking down at the floor most of the time.

Phone conversations, yeah, I can deal with them. I don't have to look at him; just listen to his Clinton-like voice (which is pretty funny since he is a staunch Republican) soothe everything away.

But when he talks about going out on a date, I cringe a little. I can't talk to him in person without looking him in the eye; so how's it going to be like... you know... doing other stuff? I guess I can close my eyes, but what good would that do?

And so, he keeps calling/texting me and I ignore him. He keeps asking how I'm doing and such and it makes me retch when he texts me about going out.

Yeah, so basically, I've become what I hate the most. I know the guys I like do this to me and yet, I'm still holding on.

Am I that shallow to turn away some guy because I think his teeth are fucked up and I can't look at them without wanting to run to the bathroom and pull a "rescue-a-date" on him (damn, someone stole my idea!!! LOL)

Am I that bitchy?